Right everyone, shut up please, thank you. Now;

[Crowd starts to talk to one another again.]

Did you not just hear me? Yeah, double chin in the third row, shut up.

[Crowd quiten down.]

Anyway, welcome to the foundation. Here you'll be helping better the world with sceince! You'll actually be doing something instead of wasting tax payers money waiting for the electric chair.

You've all signed your papers that state you will participate in testing for one month and at the end of that month you'll be released and, you know what you signed that's it.

Class-D: Is it too late to change your mind?

What's that swastika?

Class-D: Is it too late to change your mind, like leave here and go back.

You want to go back to your crappy rat infested cell in death row?

Class-D: Uhhh...

Thought not. Now, anyway, I'm Doctor British,

Class-D: Are you British though?

No, I'm from North Korea, God. Ok, where was I? Oh yeah. So, you've probably seen me on your way in, doing some questionable things. Anyhow here in the foundation we don't and or don't want to give you the luxuries of a federal prison.

Class-D: Yo owl looks like my grandmas ███.

Sha-Guard, can you shoot big head next to you in the foot the next time he makes a poor joke abou- you know what, take him, and that whole section, all 15. You know what to do.

Guard: I'd be glad to. [All 15 Class-D personnel were terminated at 1700]

Thanks. Anyway, shank someone, your not going to enjoy your month, attack a guard, enjoy some free bullets. This isn't a game people, you're going to learn that pretty soon.

[Dr. British takes a sip of his coffee, sighs, and goes back to the orientation.]

So, for most of your stay here, you'll be sitting in your cell, eating yogurt in the cafeteria and insulting each other in the yard. But when you're needed, we will take you and you will listen to us. Nothing we have here can harm you, trust me, I'm a Doctor. We have a statue made out of cookies, a nice old woman called Yaga Baba and a decorative crystal shard. Even though these objects are 100% safe, we still need your cooperation to help us test.

You lot will be staying in Cell block-A1, nicely lit and cozy and warm! Just kidding the bed is smaller than your I.Qs combined and the cell reeks from BO and other bodily fluids from the last person. Enjoy your stay here, you'll happily leave at the end of this month.

Oh also on your way out sit in the chairs lined up for you, you are to sit down, and wait for a technician to arive, you will then recieve a designation number, remember it, it's your new name now.

[Dr. British then goes and takes his signature cookie dough yoghurt and eats it.]


You must re-write this immediately. This is not to be recited to Class-D personnel during an orientation. -05-5

But it'll make 'em more secure. -Dr. British

I don't think so, Dr. British. And that guy with the swastika was terminated already. I also believe it's "Baga Yaga", not the other way around. -Dr. Logik

What have I told you? Referring to SCP objects by their "nicknames" is forbidden. -Dr. Kills

Look, it already happened, and it's already been said. As for the Class-D, most of them died in their first week for thinking SCP-173 was edible, don't blame me, and also I don't know how but Scruffy the janitor heard my presentation and somehow got a high enough clearance card to access SCP-409 and place it in washroom B-7. Don't even ask me how many people thought it was a special towel. -Dr. British

D-Class personnel are not to be treated with "love and care", they're homicidal killers on death row, there's a reason they send them here, and unless you want a severe breach, I'd suggest we keep them in line - SD Daniel

Just to be clear, that janitor was terminated, right? Because I almost used it as a facewash. Scared the hell outta me when I realized that it wasn't just some funky-looking soap. -Dr. Logik

Also, you we're the one who told them that 173 was edible. So it's your fault. -Dr. Logik.

Apparently, we need a new staff member to hold the D-Class orientations. How about you, Dr. Logik? Would you be interested? -05-5

Sorry sir, but I'm already handling the orientation for new personnel. I can't take that type of strain. -Dr. Logik

That new shipment of Class-D is coming and no one seems to want to do the orientation. So it looks like Mr British is here to save the day! -Dr. British

I'd also like to say that if the yoghurt machine is out of order again I'm going to use these tomatoes that I got off Scruffy to good use. -Dr. British



Let's make this clear douchebags, you're not going to be presenting the Class-D orientation. Any further attempt to try and get permission to present it, and I will go Liam Neeson Taken style on your arses. -Dr. British

It is not your choice. So you better watch it. Also, I suggest keeping the file, but re-write it so you won't mention their under-cleaned cells. Make them feel content with their living conditions for the time being. And remind them that un-cooperation will result in termination. Just add that and I'll be happy. -05-5